| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2007|09:25 am] |
|
So I know it has been a million years since I posted on here. I just wanted to say hello and let yall know I've been thinking about you. Yes you. Things are crazy here in HI but it is a good crazy and not a NY crazy. I really do miss all of you and if I ever have any real internet time I'll do a real post about some of the amazing things I've gotten to do here. Okay, I am off to receive a massage on the beach. Aloha. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2006|03:43 pm] |
Wow, um, hi. Been a long time. I'm in Hawaii, its heaven. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff, growing. Enjoying the hell out of beaches. I don't have computer access often, only at the library but I sorta miss some of my LJ friends, which is weird because I don't actually know some of you. I hope life is bringing you all some happiness amongst its troubles. Aloha.
Live Aloha. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|10:34 am] |
i leave for hawaii in less than 48 hours. about 40 minutes less than 48 hours actually. so why am i here in front of a computer typing when there are a hundred things i still have left to do??? well because i need a Teeny Tiny break or i'll freak out. so here it is...my break.
break time over.
back to work. so much to do. and the clock is tick-tocking away. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2006|10:00 pm] |
someone pointed out that i've fallen off the face of the planet or so it seemed from my livejournal. well i haven't. i'm kind of keeping to my own head really, there is a lot going on there and it just seems that it needs to work itself out in there before i go public with anything so to speak. i think there is actually a sign out front that says "closed for remodeling." not to mention that i've been sort of busy with getting ready to go to hawaii. i leave in 12 days. i have a place to live, so that is a good thing, but the rest is all up to chance and fate. i'm just going to jump and trust that things will lead where they need to for a little while.
peace. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|05:16 pm] |
i love the signs. the things that pop up just when you need them. the little things which let you know that even though the path is particularly unclear you're on it and headed in the right direction. some days i'd give anything for the map, when i feel so lost i can't even see myself clearly. but i have trust that there is a guide and that is why i like the signs. little reminders.
what would be the point of this journey if i knew its end? what would i learn? why keep trying to unravel the mystery if you know the final scene?
yes, keep the map, keep all the answers i seek. even when i beg, give me nothing. so long as i keep the signs. and it seems you (what or whomever the "you" is) always know just when they're needed.
peace. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|05:25 pm] |
the concept of self, or at least in my experience, is about categorizing.
that is what our brains do, they are information processors. the brain looks at something, takes in the input from all our senses, process it and files it. it tries to make sense of all this incoming information and in so doing it begins to categorize. as children learn language we teach them to categorize. cat. they see a real cat, a drawing of a cat, picture after picture. we teach them it is cat, until they can see a book full of animals and distinguish which is cat.
when the concept of self is contemplated by our brain, it attempts to categorize that which we are and that which we are not. in so doing we emerge with a very limited idea of our self. things that we think and feel that that do not seem to fit with our self concept are rejected. and each of those rejected things as it arises again can give fuel to the fire of self doubt and eventually self hatred.
it is not the fault of the brain, it does what it has evolved to do. the brain is a very useful thing. but it has limitations.
in letting to of the concept, which is a frightening thing for the brain to allow, i find that there is a whole being inside. a being made up of each memory, each experience, each thought, each emotion. the whole is. it is unified. it recognizes itself, it doesn't reject any part of itself. the whole is empty, undefined. it dances with itself. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|07:46 pm] |
in search of meaning, i lost myself. in trying to be something, i lost myself. in trying to define myself, i lost myself. in trying to find myself, i lost myself. each role i play, each definition i chose for my self, each adjective i use to describe myself, each bit of me i try to find, these are not me. i am. without definition, without the searching, without the thinking, battling, questioning. i am.
the strangest thing about this state is that it is eerily easy to find. all i have to do is stop. stop questioning, stop expecting, stop needing, stop defining. stop and be. and when i stop, when it is quiet, i am. the thing i've been searching for resonates. i can't define it, but i can feel it. the more time i spend in this state the more i enjoy it and the more i realize that the things i've been searching for have always been there, always will be there. it gives me peace and comfort, calms an ever present need, soothes an ever present itch.
it is something i forget sometimes. when i become uncomfortable, it is usually because of the searching, thinking, questioning. the uncomfortable feeds the thinking, the thinking feeds the uncomfortable, the cycle swirls, faster and faster and faster until my head is out of control.
when i forget, when my head takes me away from myself, i feel a particular way both physically and emotionally. i do not like the way it feels, but i've begun to be able to recognize it earlier each time. so when i notice, i stop, i breathe, i remind myself, i let go and i take the time i need to come back to that place where it is calm, where i am.
i'm getting better. my spans of time where i have forgotten range from hours to days. so sometimes, some days, i'm not myself. sometimes i slip and find myself insecure and doubtful and needy. those who know me best may notice the difference between days. i don't know how obvious it is. but what matters is that i notice and i feel like the days of calmness are more frequent.
this life lesson brought to me by a zen buddhist book and the annoying guy who just wants to get into my pants. i'm learning things from the oddest places.
i love you all. i wish you a peaceful night and a bright tomorrow. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|01:50 pm] |
last night i got to see some of the people i went to school with at lorraine's graduation party. it was a great feeling to connect with them. it reminded me of just how close we were. i miss them. they seem happy, like they're doing well, ready to move on with whatever adventure next awaits. and as much as i am sad not to see them regularly, i am lucky to have known them. they are all a part of me in their own ways and i will never forget them, even those i never see again.
the party was perfect. good people, good energy.
lorraine lives right on lake ontario. we sat in her back yard overlooking the lake. it was raining off and on, there was a strong breeze. the lake was churning. i could have sat and watched it forever. water always makes me feel peaceful.
as if the evening weren't already exceptional, harbor fest's firework display was amazing (as usual). i got to enjoy it with people that mean the world to me, sitting in a place of beauty and calmness.
i know that school meant a lot to lorraine and i was thrilled to see her celebrating her success with so many people who care about her and see just how beautiful she is. i could see her soul was singing in happiness, in love, in hope. lorraine is an amazing person and her presence fills her home with strength and peace. i couldn't be happier for her.
***********
tomorrow i'm supposed to study for the boards with some people, then go hiking at buttermilk falls in ithaca. it has been too long since i was in ithaca. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|04:18 pm] |
|
i find myself distraught at the state of our world sometimes. and at these times, the only hope, the only light i can find at the end of the darkness is love. it is the only way, the only answer i can see bringing us to a place of peace. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|10:36 pm] |
tonight i walked through amy's back yard with her. i'm sure we were quite a sight. i wasn't prepared for an adventure through the bug metropolis of this muggy post-rain night...but amy let me borrow some things. note to self, don't let amy dress you when going in public.
it was hot, the bugs were swarming.
there was a huge smiley face in the bush. i had water squishing in my shoes, it was cool and made a nice sound. we found a random squash, just laying in the middle of our path. we picked berries from the neighbors bushes. i tasted my childhood, quite literally. i had a broken down greenhouse in back of my childhood home, some berry bushes survived and overtook the greenhouse. the taste, the texture of the seeds, both exactly as i remembered.
**********
today's lesson comes from amy.
she told me a story about a ring she had lost and was devastated about. she cried and searched for it for two days. when she stopped looking for it, she found it.
in fact, what i keep searching for within is always there. but when i'm searching so frantically i just can't find it. when i stop looking, when i'm quiet, it is there. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
kairbare's journal